Second Best

Why are married, taken, involved, etc men off limits. The answer seems easy doesn't it...Uhmm they're off limits because they're not single. But in this world we live in, doesn't seem that simple. Many 'off the market' men are partaking in extracurricular activities. I'm only speaking about men right now because I have a point to make. I'm not referring to the men who've mislead women. The one's who've led an unsuspecting woman to believe that he was single. I'm referring to the women who date men knowing that they are not his 'main' chick, not his wife, his girlfriend, fiancé' etc. There are a number of issues with these types of relationships, the first being self respect. There is no justification that you can convince me that it is okay to know that a man is laying with another woman, kissing, holding, cuddling, and telling her he loves her, while you wait for 'your turn'. Grasping to the times you sneak away. Spending holidays alone, with stolen moments when he's supposed to be else where. As women it is natural for us to want to be loved, caressed, wined and dined, and no I don't want to wait my turn. I'm not bashing women, but you have to ask yourself this question if women weren't willing to settle for the 'other' status then men would know it wasn't an option. This is not to pass judgement, it's to tell fellow females that we deserve that home he's provided for his wife. We deserve to cook dinner for our man and know that at the end of the night he's not telling someone else good night honey. We deserve to expect that we are his one and only. As the beautiful creatures that we are we hold the power. Yes we hold the power between our legs, but we hold it in our soul, in our curves, in our smile, between our ears. We hold to power to demand the love and respect we all deserve. I want to be seen in public, I want to share pictures on social media, I want to be a wife and mother, but you can't be that, you don't get that when he's already giving it to someone else. Ok, so you have a situation where he's unhappy, he's planning on leaving his wife, dumping his baby mama, or moving out from his girlfriends house; then make him wait. If he's interested then we he has separated himself and closed one door than he's free to give his all when he opens that door with you. If you don't think your self worth is enough then remember this. One day you'll meet your prince charming, he'll sweep you off of your feet and fulfill all your dreams, but he'll have someone on the side because now it's your turn...

He Gave Me Permission to Cheat

No he didn’t give me a “hall pass” for the weekend.  He also never verbally gave me permission, but the signals were there.  There was no other way to see it.

We’d been married for just two years.  The journey of a newly wed can be tough and confusing. When people say communication is key to a successful marriage, they mean it.  Without clear consistent communication, things can be left up to interpretation.  This was my interpretation of my husbands actions towards me and our marriage.

My husband is loyal to a cause.  If you ask him to support an event or community effort, he will willingly over commit himself. The only person he consistently tells no, is me.  Because of this, I’ve spent several evenings and weekends.  Eventually, loneliness started to set-in.

There were times, I found myself crying because my pleas for my husband to stay home or be available fell on deaf ears.  Instead of sacrificing his activity to dedicate his time to his family, he would try to find people and activities to push us (his child too) toward. After running through my head the number of evenings I spent alone, I was fed up.  Let me be clear, my husband wasn’t always doing community work, he also had a very active social life that he would not put on the back burner.  I even recall a birthday that I spent alone, but he made an effort to make to his friend’s birthday celebrations.  His reasoning, was he wanted to celebrate their lives.  What about celebrating mine?  What about your wife, and mother of your children?

To no avail, I could not change this in my husband. Even though I pleaded with him, and he said he understood, he made no efforts to change.  So where did that leave me?  Lonely, frustrated and free time on my hand.  I had free evenings and weekends with plenty of alone time to fill a void in my life.  When there is darkness over your marriage, intimacy with your mate becomes a struggle.  My role as a wife had become diminished.  Because of this, I no longer felt obligated to fulfill my duties as a wife.  No I didn’t let the house or myself go.  I cherished myself, if no one else would. I no longer desired that private space with my husband.  He became my roommate, and not my help mate/meet.  Kisses and sex began to fill forced. 

I yearned for fulfillment, and yearned to have someone reciprocate my feelings.  I wanted to be desired, not just sexually, but emotionally.  I yearned to be needed, and for my company to be wanted.  There’s always someone out there to fulfill this. It’s not hard to find, but it is hard to resist.  Even harder to resist when your husband is encouraging you to meet new people and get out of the house more.  Recklessly driving you to the very thing he’s yet to become in your life. His actions, and his lack of commitment to the “family” cause, told me to cheat.  I have his permission.

You may not agree with me, but this happens every day in marriages. There is always a need that is going unfulfilled that push people to seek shelter outside of their marriage.  There is always a clueless spouse who doesn’t reflect long enough on their actions to see how it may affect their spouse. Unfortunately, things will likely go completely wrong before someone steps forward to try to make it completely right.  Sometimes people will never try.  Both parties are likely to be guilty of some sort of neglect or action that pushes their spouse away and towards someone else.  However, it takes a strong person to not let anything or anyone come between your commitment and vow to your spouse.

Even with “permission” from my husband to cheat, I have not cheated.  I actually live for the hope of my family and my marriage. However, I do want my husband to see the error of his ways.  So I will leave him with this thought and scenario to see how that makes him feel. I will be sure to let you know how that works.

 
To Be Continued…

Equally Yoked

Is your 'yolk' busted because you are not 'equally yoked' or are you headed for blessings and blissdom because you've chosen someone of your caliber. Equally yoked is terminology used or initially used within the Christian faith, it's mentioned in 2 Corinthians 6:14, now I don't proclaim to know the bible in and out and I still need the table of context to find scriptures when the pastor says 'everyone turn to...' But this is a phrase that gets thrown around almost as often as the terms 'baby mama and baby daddy'. Which I suppose you could avoid those terms and become someone's wife or husband if you pursue relationships with those that are of the same yoke or 'cut from the same cloth. Below I've taken a portion from two very different sources/opinions. *************************** "Being equally yoked, according to the remixed definition for the 2000s and beyond, means sharing the same set of beliefs and values, regardless to whether our mamas and daddies raised us in church or not. Surely this pandemic of single sista hysteria has given us more than enough reasons to analyze, examine and research our single-dom with the same intensity as other natural mysteries like El Nino and global warming. We just know three things: we want to be adored, we want to be married and we want to be happy. Whether or not Christian women should marry outside of their faith is fodder for all kinds of debates, just like the question of interracial hook-ups and May/December romances. In the end, it's kind of hard to believe that God would package Black women as these awesomely beautiful, powerful creatures to limit us so rigidly when it comes to finding a life mate" Read more: http://www.essence.com/2011/02/22/what-it-means-to-be-equally-yolked/ ************************ The key is becoming "unequally yoked." And that can mean marriage, but it can also mean which church one attends; of which clubs one is a member; which establishments one goes to for entertainment; which TV shows become a regular habit; with whom one becomes business partners; Etc. Never become unequally yoked with anyone, and always avoid: "unrighteousness, darkness, Belial [an epithet of Satan], infidels, and idols." We've all seen matches made in heaven that didn't work out, and conversely, we've seen marriages doomed to failure from day one, that are still going strong (or maybe not so strong, but still going, nonetheless) after 30 and 40 years. Only God knows for sure how marriages will turn out. Birds of a feather flock together, but then again opposites attract. Marriage is an area best left up to the bride and the groom. http://bible-truths.com/yoked.htm **************************** It is hard to pinpoint exactly what it means to be unequally yoked some argue that it doesn't even apply to marriage, that Paul was referring to something else. I read one argument that stated it could be used as a means of proof that homosexuality is against the bible. So what is right? I'll give it you straight no chaser, and void of religious beliefs. Relationships are hard work and marriage is even harder. Not every day that you wake up will you feel as in love as you did the day before. There will be circumstances, pain, misunderstandings, miscommunication, poorly directed attitudes that will sometimes make you wonder 'what the heck have I done'. I tell my fiance' that I always love him but I don't always like him, such i s life, love and co-habitation. With that being said relationships are hard enough and the more differences you have between you the harder you'll have to work. That doesn't mean that it's impossible or if you choose someone you have everything in common with it will be smooth sailing but it's pure logic. If you differ on religion or spirituality, vegetarian vs meat eater, by any means necessary, or by the book; to spank children or not to spank, education is key vs as long as you graduate, no sex before marriage, birth control, or whatever happens. Middle class, lower class or upper class, etc. I could go on and on. It's cliche but remember, that opposites attract. I'm not weighing in on one side or the other ,but love is limitless it just takes work.