He doesn't love you if...

About a month ago my fiancé' and I had an embarrassing argument in front of others. What makes it embarrassing is that most people want to keep certain parts of their relationship private, or at least be given the opportunity to share and confide in those they trust with their deepest secrets. Now an argument is not necessarily a deep dark secret all couples have them and if you don't someone is lying to themselves or to their significant other. The content of the argument was not even bad it was very trivial and not the least bit earthshattering. As a matter of fact it should not have even been an argument. So what made this argument so embarrassing or humiliating? Watching an argument between myself and my fiancé is like watching a lion attack a deer. That's what happens when you put an overly aggressive person with a passive aggressive student of psychology. Let me explain, Our relationship was built on friendship and 'couch time' before taking the plunge into relationship and now approaching marriage. Ten years and two kids later I have learned how to fight with my husband to be. Because he doesn't fight fair. He has learned that he cannot beat me in a verbal argument so in order to win he feels his size and hurtful words are necessary. I on the other hand have learned that if you allow him to speak rather I agree or not the disagreement is over much faster and we can move forward to being the happy couple that we typically are. Keep in mind that I am passive aggressive and if I do not agree with his point when the argument ends, even if I stood there like a small meek woman I am going to do what I want or feel is best anyway, and heaven forbid he has a point I will make sure that I do whatever I have to so he can never prove that point again. Now as a couple we have discussed this and it is not the way to handle conflict. He shouldn't use intimidation and I shouldn't spend my free time following an argument finding ways to '1 up him'. You do not fight dirty in an argument, contrary to the 'rhyme' we all learned as kids, words do hurt and they leave lasting effects. This brings me to the title. Since this incident took place in front of others it was an even bigger deal than had it taken place alone at home. And someone said something to me that I can't get out of my head, not because I believe it or that I need to rethink my relationship but because I felt foolish. "He doesn't love you if he would talk to you like that"...How many times have we heard something like that regarding our relationship? If he loves you he wouldn't cheat on you. If he loves you he would get off his a** and get a job. If she loves you she would cook and clean. As individuals we all love differently. For the cheating husband who loves his devoted wife but can't seem to keep it in his pants. We honestly can't say for certainty that he doesn't love his wife, however we do know that he's too selfish to do the right thing. For the spouse struggling with addiction who loves his/her family you can't say he/she doesn't love their family enough to kick the habit, it's much deeper than that. To the lazy new age man who can't get motivated enough to get a job it has nothing to do with love. Now don't use this as a means to stay in a useless, destructive, abusive relationship but know the difference when you have something good that's worth fighting for. All relationships will fall short but be open and honest with each other, be open to change and criticism and fight fair when disagreements occur. Remember we have a tendency to share more bad news than good news with our loved ones so weigh advice carefully. People come to me for advice because I'm a good listener not because I give such awesome feedback, but because I'm able to help people point out what they really want, if its attainable, and are they willing to walk away if it's not. And yes I can say He loves me unconditionally with all his heart and I him, but we are not perfect. Through prayer and hard work we will be one.

The Suburb Killed the Village

There are many kinds of love that make our world thrive. While we all fall short of the perfect love in our relationships, there’s another kind of love that we seem to always lose sight. This loss is killing us. I’m talking about loving thy neighbor. There was a time where our homes weren’t just structures. Home use to be the entire neighborhood. You shopped there, played there, slept there, and some even were educated in their neighborhoods. Your neighbors were like family. Your best friend’s mom, was very much like your own. Discipline was the responsibility of every adult. Every child respected every adult. Adults shared wisdom, knowledge and talents with children. For the black community, this was the nucleus, this was the Village. Somewhere in the aspiration to improve our lives with more education, better jobs and better homes, we lost sight of the importance of the Village. We started seeking better floor plans and cul de sac living. We sought suburban living. What was once the pride of culture and family, fell victim to developers, builders and greed. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying such aspirations are not beneficial. But in seeking things that only benefit self, we killed what was once a necessity to our survival. Let’s put it in perspective. Once homeowners left the village many houses fall victim to vacancy or rental. Every person that rents is not bad for the neighborhood, but in our society once a house becomes a rental it loses value, subsequently so do the neighboring houses. The houses become harder to sell. The leads to foreclosures and short sales. Houses are bought by investors who fail to care for them properly. These blemishes become permanent in instances. Our schools also suffer. When people leave the village with children, they take away a student that helps secure funding. In seeking out what they thought was a better school system, they indirectly began to contribute to the deterioration of another. Loss of funding equals loss of classes such art and music, or sports teams. Even more funding is loss that contributes to books, building repairs, and food programs. The children left in these schools suffer the biggest loss. They are unable to participate in programs that would help them thrive in higher education and eventually adulthood. The direct or indirect result are our youth falling victim to crimes, and in some cases becoming the criminal themselves. Today when we see a child doing wrong we look the other way out of fear, lack of empathy or even more sadly, we don’t care. We’d rather say that it’s none of our business, or that’s not my fight. Those who truly don’t want to be a part of the village, move to neighborhoods where if you’re considered neighborly if you say “hi” and “bye.” Instead of kids playing on any given evening or summer day, they have scheduled play dates. People prefer to be told what color to paint their houses and where to park their cars. People now choose to live where they are restricted by covenants and associations believing that they somehow have more freedom and a better lifestyle. Instead of loving thy neighbor, we are loving only ourselves. We live for financial outcomes and progress, but not for humanities progression. Yet more than ever people are crying out for the violence to stop, to end division amongst our cultures, and for love to prevail. Yet you shout these things from your computer screens and smartphones. Much like myself as I sit on my laptop in a subdivision on a cul de sac. Isn’t this progress? Yeah I know…RIP to the Village