The Era of the Side Piece Part 2 of 3

I know some women out there who would love to scream "Bring back the Mistress". Not that having a mistress was ever a good thing for the wife or girlfriend at home but there was a time when a mistress stay behind the scenes. There are women who had entire families with married men and never caused a problem for his wife and children. Secrets come out all of the time about whispers of someone else being the father of an illegitimate child. Am I praising this behavior. No, with a capital NO. However if you look at today's Mistresses now proudly wearing the title of side chic. They repeatedly overstep their bounds and forget their place in line. I'm not referring to the women out there who've been mislead and were not aware that he is currently in a relationship and had been for years or is married, engaged etc. I'm talking about the women who knew/know about his wife, live-in girlfriend, baby mama, whatever and know she's not his main girl. These chics now, going through phones, inboxing wives, DM girlfriends, posting selfies and bragging, showing up at her home, blowing up his phone when he's with his family, and going on full-fledged dates, stealing privileges that have not been given to you. How are you as the 'extra' in this picture mad and fighting the original staring cast member? Make it make sense. My rule to those who have chosen to walk in that lifestyle, when you're caught you have no right to be mad at the wife, girlfriend, or whatever she calls herself if she was there first. If this unsuspecting woman is blindsided and heartbroken because of a situation that you played a role in, you just have to take whatever she has to say just like he does. There are consequences to all choices we make be it good or bad and that is one you have to deal with should it come your way. That lame excuse and comeback that 'if you were doing what you needed to he wouldn't be with me'. Is tired and that broken record is not always true. If you were that much better than her he would leave her to be with you. If the wife is still around then she's around for a reason. At the end of the day 'side chicks' deserve to be happy too and if this man is feeling you like that, make him close that chapter before he starts a new one with you. News Flash for you, chances are you'll end up with in a tug-of-war and if you win you're prize will be a bunch of baggage you had no idea the wife was dealing with in the first place. Have fun! I haven't forgotten about the men that are side pieces. They have a tendency to stay in their lane more often then not because chances are if they are your side piece then you are theirs as well. It's all messy and nasty and why Maury, Paternity Court, and Steve Wilkos will continue to do shows about DNA. Its a double standard but at the end of every segment when they announce those 'unexpected' results who is usually crying and running of the stage? Who is left caring for an unwanted, possibly 'unfathered' child. Social Media, Reality TV, Music and Pop Culture have encouraged the era of the side piece. The blame still falls on us as sheep because we have lost the ability to separate real life from entertainment. What you hear, see, and read on the internet, television and radio should not be a script for your life unless you are the actor playing the role and getting paid for your services. I will end this by saying I'm a happily married woman but If I find out my husband has a side piece she can have him and don't come calling me later trying to give him back. I have a strict no return or refund policy. I promise you they don't make many women like me who can handle him like I have. It's like taming a wild animal and you'd need to be highly skilled and qualified or you'll get hurt. #JaneluvsTarzan Stay tuned for the last part of this series.

What if they cheated? Part 1 of 3

Well it's been a while and I wasn't sure where to post this, but it's most fitting to discuss cheating in a blog regarding 'love'. Most people at some point in their life have experienced the heartache of being cheated on or at times have been the cheater. Although this has not been in an issue is my current relationship, it has been in the past. The reason I'd like to address this is because it seems to be all around me and I must admit it makes me nervous. It makes me want to hug my husband tighter, love him harder, and show him that I'm all he needs in a wife. But let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, when it comes to infidelity that doesn't matter. I can't force my husband to see me as the prize that I am if he doesn't want to and that goes for anyone out there who has or is dealing with infidelity. I'm also not saying that there have never been situations where one mate has pushed another mate into someone else's arms. People have been neglectful, angry, bitter, lazy, emotionally unavailable, abusive, passive, physically unavailable, unstable, etc and their other half has felt they had no other choice but to have those needs met by someone outside of the relationship. I say this to point out if it happens the first response is point the finger at yourself asking 'what did I do wrong' 'could have I have been a better man/woman' 'did I not try hard enough'. When you ask yourself those questions and if you can truthfully say you brought your A game to the relationship, that you did your part as a spouse, help meet, partner, and lover. Baby, don't carry that burden with you. That is not yours to own. Don't weigh yourself down carrying hurt, pain, and blame for the issues and transgressions of those that are not a reflection of who you are or what you represent. That heartache and betrayal belongs to the cheater, you can relieve yourself of those feelings and relinquish that power over your life, do not hold on to it letting it harden your spirit. Man or woman we all deserve to be happy, life is not really that short anymore but if you live your life unhappy being hurt or hurting others it's going to be a long miserable road for you. If you look in the mirror and find that you did not put your best foot forward, you dropped the ball in many situations, and when it counted most you were not the mate you should have been; except that responsibility, apologize, move forward, and make changes to be a better you, if not for your current mate then for the next one. Am I saying that excuses infidelity? No because it still hurts and leaves scars even if we feel justified in our actions. More people end up hurt then happy in most cases. We need to close the door on one chapter before moving on to the next. If I were writing a book and kept jumping from chapter to chapter not finishing what I'd started it would be messy and confusing trying to figure out what I'm talking about and most people would put the book down before getting to the end. If you are in a failing or failed relationship either fix it or end it before moving on to someone else. I could go on and on about self respect and how it relates to relationships but let me leave this here. Even if you don't believe you owe anyone anything, you owe it to yourself to live. Turn on the Tv and watch Fatal Attraction, Snapped, For My Man, Deadly Women, etc and you will see people are killing over relationships. I don't know about your but I'm not trying to end up on one of those shows. Stay tuned for part 2 of this segment "The Era of the Side Piece" and Part 3 "Where do you go from here" Love Always

Tarzan meet the new Jane

Why don't we understand each other? Are men really from a different planet? Men need to feel powerful, to be pacified, to beat on their big ole chest like Tarzan and claim their Jane. And what are we supposed to do...just sit by and let them. With times changing, women are stepping up to the plate because we're not going from our father's home to our husband's home. We're living on our own, buying cars, houses, running businesses, etc. Some have been put in situations where they must care for kids alone as well. We work 8-10 hours a day, clean house, cook dinner and care for our children. So how are we supposed to react when we do meet a man willing to step in and fill the male role that we have been playing by ourselves. In many houses there are power struggles and really no one's at fault..Initially. Times have changed and we have had to evolve, however as men and women we have not changed how we relate to each other. Once we have become one, share a household, a bed, our bodies, children both as men and women we must compromise our former selves, our former roles, and our way of thinking to work together like putting a puzzle together. Many women wear their independence as a badge of honor even overtly prideful at times "look what can do, have done, and will continue to do". But at some point we have been taught, or longed for 'the dream'. Come home from work or not work, prepare dinner, tend to the husband and children, do laundry on the weekends, have date night, be showered with gifts, etc. Personally, I enjoy fixing plates, holding hands in the mall, hugs for no reason, and movie night. I am Jane and I have met my Tarzan. On the other hand men must also understand the roles that women are playing and ease their way into the 'traditional' male role. Make her believe you are ready and willing to lead her in the right direction. Allow her to trust you and your decisions, to feel safe to let go of how they've grown accustomed to living. Allow her to embrace her independence and know that you are not their to take over or change who she is but to compliment her achievements and only their to compound them. With that being said, when I look around at all of these lovely ladies handling their business, do I think that the independent badge is fake? No, it feels good to know that 'I got this, that, and anything else I need to get'. The issue occurs when we can't let go of the power that we've had for so many years. The need to do things your way because it's worked for you until this point. How do yo move forward and learn to let 'him' be the man? When I initially wrote this peace I ended by saying I didn't know the answer this day a few years later I still don't but I've made great progress and our relationship has grown leaps and bounds as I've worked to understand the ends and outs of being a girlfriend and now wife.

I's Married Now

Ten years and two kids later I finally married the love of my life. Everything about us has been nontraditional from how we met to our wedding day, which was a blast by the way. But let me tell you why now more than ever I'm in favor of doing things in a more 'traditional' manner. We've been 'playing house' for a few years now. The "American Dream", two kids, a home, two cars, etc. So getting married was a formality. Yes it was a commitment but he'd already said he wasn't going anywhere and insisted neither was I, one because he loved me but two he was determined to raise our kids as a family unit like we were both raised. It didn't seem like being legally married would change anything for us but it did. When I look at him it's new all over again. After all of these years even though our physical routine hasn't changed our union has and it feels different, it's better and I see him in a whole new light. So what does 'tradition' have to do with it? Ideally we are supposed to date, get married, then have kids, buy a house, etc. Since we went out of order I cannot enjoy my husband like I'd want to. During our honeymoon phase we couldn't take a honeymoon right away because we have small children, mortgages, car payment, scheduled vacation time, etc and trust me you need a honeymoon if for nothing else then to sleep and rest from the wedding. I can't come home and cuddle up alone with my husband and enjoy the newness because I have to take care of the children, make sure everyone has dinner, and of course they demand our attention and don't care that mommy and daddy want to be able to hold a conversation without interruption. These reasons may sound selfish, however the union between a man and woman is sacred and it is important that you don't lose sight of the love you have for each other because we are consumed by other responsibilities. I love my children and my life but wanting time to show my husband that I appreciate him, I enjoy his conversation, planning our future, discussing our business ventures often times take a back seat to the responsibilities we created prior to becoming husband and wife. Does this mean that we did it wrong or that we won't work or that our love is any different? No not all, I can say now even though I didn't believe it before being married is a beautiful thing and relationships are hard so working that hard to be with my boyfriend at times can seem more work than it's worth but working that hard to be with my husband is worth it because he saw fit to make his wife.

Can you have love without money? I can't answer for everyone because we all have our different views on money, who is supposed to have it, who doesn't really need it, and how much is considered an exceptable amount of money. What I will do is 'put you up on game' as they say, on how money affects a relationship. First let me explain women on money: Chickenhead (yes, unlike bigfoot, they really do exist) A chickenhead looks to her man to provide for her and her kids no matter who the father is and usually has nothing to offer to a relationship other than herself with no plans of offering anything additional. They also normally come with baggage, exaggerated expectations, overly confident, confrontational, and usually hard to get rid of. Traditionalist believe in working, will have their own money, car, home, etc however they still expect a man to be head of household in every sense of the word, in the event that they are placed in a position to be a stay at home mother/wife some will prefer to work while others may jump at the opportunity. Men are thought of as the provider and protector and they expect just that. This is not a bad quality but the money can play a big factor in their perception of what defines a man. Professional, this woman is very similar to that of a traditionalist when you look at what she has to offer in a relationship, however her requirements of the man's ability to provide are a lot more liberal. They expect a man to work and contribute to the household, however they are happy to share the financial burden of the household, and in the event they are the higher wage earner, they are not bothered by the differences because there is no, mine or yours, its ours. The family unit as a whole is more important than who has the deeper pockets. In the black middle class this is the closest thing you'll get to the standard 'American Dream'. Finally the Potential Seeker, this woman again mirrors that of the professional and traditionalists she has plenty to offer however she will almost always favor love over money. She has hopes of one day living the life of either the professional or the traditionalist, but she's a dreamer and believes that with the right motivation and love any man can be a great provider, husband, and protector. The potential seeker has limited if any standards when it comes to financial culpability when choosing their mate, they are focusing more on the emotional response they get from their mate than determining what they see as earning potential if they are supportive and 'good' women. This unfortunately is a crap shoot and you have a 50/50 chance of ending up with an epic fail or living the dream. Some women are naturally potential seekers or fixers, others are being forced into this category because lets face it women out number men, and when you factor in race, earning potential, education and demographics the numbers don't get any better. Women know what they expect where money is concerned. Even when no other standards are set, monetary standards are always in the back of their mind when choosing a mate. It shows in how they dress, where they hang out, their conversation, etc. This is one of the easiest standards to spot once you know what you are seeking. With that being said, you can have love without money, however the sustainability of the relationship depends largely upon the type of woman you are dating. As far as men I can't say much since I'm not man and frankly they confuse me, so I'd suggest reading Steve Harvey's Think Like a Man Act Like a Lady for Better Insight.

His and Hers

 

Watching her, he can't believe what all they've been through during the passed year.  Some of it together, some of it a part.  The good, the bad and the downright discouraging.  But somehow, fate brought them together to make all the things that seemed unbearable worth the pain for this precious outcome.

 

She sits there, knowing that he is staring at her.  She pretends to be off in her own little world, but she is right there with him.  She too can't believe that they somehow found each other in the midst of so much turmoil.  She knows that his presence is healing to the many scars of her past.  He has accepted her and helped her move towards more peaceful times.  So many things she expected from life, but never did she expect to find him.

 

He sweetly caresses her cheek with a kiss.  She pretends to be surprised, but his sweet demeanor has made such acts of endearment predictable.  Expected or not, every interaction sends chills through both of their bodies.  Its a feeling that true love creates.  Only those who know what they have, can experience such a feeling.  They know, and are thankful everyday for each other. 

 

As they sit and enjoy, what they know is a true blessing, there is a presence much greater than them enjoying the scenery of His own perfect gift of love.  You see, He knows these two.  He knows neither of their journeys have been easy, nor have they been an accident.  They both have a solid foundation of faith.  When times got hard they stayed encouraged that their God would carry the burden when it got too heavy.  Not only did He do just that, He brought them their perfect compliments so their burdens will never be carried alone. This woman's pain is now his, and his pain is now hers.  When they are together, all their pain is eased.  Together they stand in faith.  They have a blessed and harmonious relationship.  And that was God's plan for them.  In obedience and faith, He promises them Agape.  An unconditional love that exist through any hardship or circumstance.  He promises them His and Hers Agape.

A mother's love and the abolishment of breeding farms

What it s a breeding farm and how does it affect a mother's love? In the words of Dr Umar Johnson, during the days of slavery women were placed in a home with the biggest, strongest, most athletic male (a stud if you will) and his job was to keep the women pregnant in order to breed more slaves. Nowadays a breeding farm is what he calls many homes that are breeding individuals for the prison system. Some of our homes are not homes, they are simply houses where are children are being raised only to end up as statistics of the criminal justice system. The reasons why this is relevant to a mother's love is because in most homes the women whether they are single parents, shacking up, or married are responsible for majority of the day to day child rearing. Our love runs deep enough that we can correct the behaviors that make our houses breeding farms and change them to homes. There are a few things addressed in Dr Umar's speeches that can help you identify your household as either a breeding farm or a home. Bookshelves, let me go further by saying bookshelves with actual books, not being used solely as decorations. What is the ratio of televisions in your home to learning materials? Do you have dictionaries, thesauruses, and encyclopedias? Without these items the learning is left up to the school system alone, which is most cases are poorly educating the children and not sufficiently preparing them for society. Another aspect is addressing the type of parenting style we have. There are three Passive, Aggressive, and Balanced. A passive parent provides little to no discipline, is determined to fulfill their child's every want and desire making sure to give them everything that 'you' didn't have. A spoiled child is an entitled unsuccessful adult. The world we live in is unforgiving and you are entitled to NOTHING. Next is the aggressive parent which normally is the man (can still be a women), which is unfortunately missing from many households, but why proper co-parenting is still very much needed. Swallow your pride and anger and realize that it's about the child and mother's love recognizes when a father is trying to participate in raising a child, but that's another subject for another day. An aggressive parent is strict sets rules and guidelines and has high expectations but tends to give more discipline than love. The child of an aggressive parent is usually extremely successful, works hard and has drive. However they are also closet addicts, not just to drugs, but gambling, shopping, thrill seekers, etc They need a release because they spend so much time trying to be successful. The last style is a balanced parent. This of course is the best of both worlds gives enough love and discipline to create a well rounded successful member of society. I'm going to add to Dr Umar's teachings by saying many people aren't balanced parents or at least not as balanced as they'd like to think they are, myself included. Some of use are passive until are cup runneth over with issues then we want to be aggressive. Some parents are completely absent, which means they are not providing much else but a roof, a friend, and material possessions. Other parents especially single parents have admitted being aggressive due to the stress of raising children alone, you're tired, worried about income, chauffeuring children around with no help, etc So we're snapping on our kids for 'being kids'. Having two active parents increases the chances that our children will grow up under a balanced parented environment. My household for instance may not be a breeding farm but I am more of a passive parent while my fiance' is more of an aggressive parent. Together we present a united force when raising our boys therefore providing balance that would not otherwise be there if either one of us were do to this alone. As a mother, a nurturer, provider, comforter ect. It is our job to take into account our shortcomings and strong points to use those to raise our children in the best environment that we can provide. Not everyone has a 'father figure' around for their children, well lets look at our parenting styles, the products in our homes, and are relationships with our children to make sure that we are not breeding farms and our homes are not acting as incubators for the prison system. Most of us have heard the saying "Mama's baby Daddy's maybe". Yes men are stepping up and taking custody of their children, staying home now with their children while the wife works, being more active in child rearing than earlier times. However child rearing is still done majority of the time by women and now statistically speaking by women alone. So more than ever we need the love of mothers in order to abolish breeding farms. We need the love of mothers to make smart decisions when choosing fathers of their children, boyfriends, men allowed around your children, and to make better life decisions. We need the love of mother's to fight for careers, better education and training to provide for your children with or without support, that includes child support and government support. A mother's love is what keeps us on our knees praying for our children. Today I'm calling all Mother's to dig deep down and use that love to abolish the breeding farms and build homes.