Tarzan meet the new Jane

Why don't we understand each other? Are men really from a different planet? Men need to feel powerful, to be pacified, to beat on their big ole chest like Tarzan and claim their Jane. And what are we supposed to do...just sit by and let them. With times changing, women are stepping up to the plate because we're not going from our father's home to our husband's home. We're living on our own, buying cars, houses, running businesses, etc. Some have been put in situations where they must care for kids alone as well. We work 8-10 hours a day, clean house, cook dinner and care for our children. So how are we supposed to react when we do meet a man willing to step in and fill the male role that we have been playing by ourselves. In many houses there are power struggles and really no one's at fault..Initially. Times have changed and we have had to evolve, however as men and women we have not changed how we relate to each other. Once we have become one, share a household, a bed, our bodies, children both as men and women we must compromise our former selves, our former roles, and our way of thinking to work together like putting a puzzle together. Many women wear their independence as a badge of honor even overtly prideful at times "look what can do, have done, and will continue to do". But at some point we have been taught, or longed for 'the dream'. Come home from work or not work, prepare dinner, tend to the husband and children, do laundry on the weekends, have date night, be showered with gifts, etc. Personally, I enjoy fixing plates, holding hands in the mall, hugs for no reason, and movie night. I am Jane and I have met my Tarzan. On the other hand men must also understand the roles that women are playing and ease their way into the 'traditional' male role. Make her believe you are ready and willing to lead her in the right direction. Allow her to trust you and your decisions, to feel safe to let go of how they've grown accustomed to living. Allow her to embrace her independence and know that you are not their to take over or change who she is but to compliment her achievements and only their to compound them. With that being said, when I look around at all of these lovely ladies handling their business, do I think that the independent badge is fake? No, it feels good to know that 'I got this, that, and anything else I need to get'. The issue occurs when we can't let go of the power that we've had for so many years. The need to do things your way because it's worked for you until this point. How do yo move forward and learn to let 'him' be the man? When I initially wrote this peace I ended by saying I didn't know the answer this day a few years later I still don't but I've made great progress and our relationship has grown leaps and bounds as I've worked to understand the ends and outs of being a girlfriend and now wife.

I's Married Now

Ten years and two kids later I finally married the love of my life. Everything about us has been nontraditional from how we met to our wedding day, which was a blast by the way. But let me tell you why now more than ever I'm in favor of doing things in a more 'traditional' manner. We've been 'playing house' for a few years now. The "American Dream", two kids, a home, two cars, etc. So getting married was a formality. Yes it was a commitment but he'd already said he wasn't going anywhere and insisted neither was I, one because he loved me but two he was determined to raise our kids as a family unit like we were both raised. It didn't seem like being legally married would change anything for us but it did. When I look at him it's new all over again. After all of these years even though our physical routine hasn't changed our union has and it feels different, it's better and I see him in a whole new light. So what does 'tradition' have to do with it? Ideally we are supposed to date, get married, then have kids, buy a house, etc. Since we went out of order I cannot enjoy my husband like I'd want to. During our honeymoon phase we couldn't take a honeymoon right away because we have small children, mortgages, car payment, scheduled vacation time, etc and trust me you need a honeymoon if for nothing else then to sleep and rest from the wedding. I can't come home and cuddle up alone with my husband and enjoy the newness because I have to take care of the children, make sure everyone has dinner, and of course they demand our attention and don't care that mommy and daddy want to be able to hold a conversation without interruption. These reasons may sound selfish, however the union between a man and woman is sacred and it is important that you don't lose sight of the love you have for each other because we are consumed by other responsibilities. I love my children and my life but wanting time to show my husband that I appreciate him, I enjoy his conversation, planning our future, discussing our business ventures often times take a back seat to the responsibilities we created prior to becoming husband and wife. Does this mean that we did it wrong or that we won't work or that our love is any different? No not all, I can say now even though I didn't believe it before being married is a beautiful thing and relationships are hard so working that hard to be with my boyfriend at times can seem more work than it's worth but working that hard to be with my husband is worth it because he saw fit to make his wife.

Can you have love without money? I can't answer for everyone because we all have our different views on money, who is supposed to have it, who doesn't really need it, and how much is considered an exceptable amount of money. What I will do is 'put you up on game' as they say, on how money affects a relationship. First let me explain women on money: Chickenhead (yes, unlike bigfoot, they really do exist) A chickenhead looks to her man to provide for her and her kids no matter who the father is and usually has nothing to offer to a relationship other than herself with no plans of offering anything additional. They also normally come with baggage, exaggerated expectations, overly confident, confrontational, and usually hard to get rid of. Traditionalist believe in working, will have their own money, car, home, etc however they still expect a man to be head of household in every sense of the word, in the event that they are placed in a position to be a stay at home mother/wife some will prefer to work while others may jump at the opportunity. Men are thought of as the provider and protector and they expect just that. This is not a bad quality but the money can play a big factor in their perception of what defines a man. Professional, this woman is very similar to that of a traditionalist when you look at what she has to offer in a relationship, however her requirements of the man's ability to provide are a lot more liberal. They expect a man to work and contribute to the household, however they are happy to share the financial burden of the household, and in the event they are the higher wage earner, they are not bothered by the differences because there is no, mine or yours, its ours. The family unit as a whole is more important than who has the deeper pockets. In the black middle class this is the closest thing you'll get to the standard 'American Dream'. Finally the Potential Seeker, this woman again mirrors that of the professional and traditionalists she has plenty to offer however she will almost always favor love over money. She has hopes of one day living the life of either the professional or the traditionalist, but she's a dreamer and believes that with the right motivation and love any man can be a great provider, husband, and protector. The potential seeker has limited if any standards when it comes to financial culpability when choosing their mate, they are focusing more on the emotional response they get from their mate than determining what they see as earning potential if they are supportive and 'good' women. This unfortunately is a crap shoot and you have a 50/50 chance of ending up with an epic fail or living the dream. Some women are naturally potential seekers or fixers, others are being forced into this category because lets face it women out number men, and when you factor in race, earning potential, education and demographics the numbers don't get any better. Women know what they expect where money is concerned. Even when no other standards are set, monetary standards are always in the back of their mind when choosing a mate. It shows in how they dress, where they hang out, their conversation, etc. This is one of the easiest standards to spot once you know what you are seeking. With that being said, you can have love without money, however the sustainability of the relationship depends largely upon the type of woman you are dating. As far as men I can't say much since I'm not man and frankly they confuse me, so I'd suggest reading Steve Harvey's Think Like a Man Act Like a Lady for Better Insight.

His and Hers

 

Watching her, he can't believe what all they've been through during the passed year.  Some of it together, some of it a part.  The good, the bad and the downright discouraging.  But somehow, fate brought them together to make all the things that seemed unbearable worth the pain for this precious outcome.

 

She sits there, knowing that he is staring at her.  She pretends to be off in her own little world, but she is right there with him.  She too can't believe that they somehow found each other in the midst of so much turmoil.  She knows that his presence is healing to the many scars of her past.  He has accepted her and helped her move towards more peaceful times.  So many things she expected from life, but never did she expect to find him.

 

He sweetly caresses her cheek with a kiss.  She pretends to be surprised, but his sweet demeanor has made such acts of endearment predictable.  Expected or not, every interaction sends chills through both of their bodies.  Its a feeling that true love creates.  Only those who know what they have, can experience such a feeling.  They know, and are thankful everyday for each other. 

 

As they sit and enjoy, what they know is a true blessing, there is a presence much greater than them enjoying the scenery of His own perfect gift of love.  You see, He knows these two.  He knows neither of their journeys have been easy, nor have they been an accident.  They both have a solid foundation of faith.  When times got hard they stayed encouraged that their God would carry the burden when it got too heavy.  Not only did He do just that, He brought them their perfect compliments so their burdens will never be carried alone. This woman's pain is now his, and his pain is now hers.  When they are together, all their pain is eased.  Together they stand in faith.  They have a blessed and harmonious relationship.  And that was God's plan for them.  In obedience and faith, He promises them Agape.  An unconditional love that exist through any hardship or circumstance.  He promises them His and Hers Agape.

A mother's love and the abolishment of breeding farms

What it s a breeding farm and how does it affect a mother's love? In the words of Dr Umar Johnson, during the days of slavery women were placed in a home with the biggest, strongest, most athletic male (a stud if you will) and his job was to keep the women pregnant in order to breed more slaves. Nowadays a breeding farm is what he calls many homes that are breeding individuals for the prison system. Some of our homes are not homes, they are simply houses where are children are being raised only to end up as statistics of the criminal justice system. The reasons why this is relevant to a mother's love is because in most homes the women whether they are single parents, shacking up, or married are responsible for majority of the day to day child rearing. Our love runs deep enough that we can correct the behaviors that make our houses breeding farms and change them to homes. There are a few things addressed in Dr Umar's speeches that can help you identify your household as either a breeding farm or a home. Bookshelves, let me go further by saying bookshelves with actual books, not being used solely as decorations. What is the ratio of televisions in your home to learning materials? Do you have dictionaries, thesauruses, and encyclopedias? Without these items the learning is left up to the school system alone, which is most cases are poorly educating the children and not sufficiently preparing them for society. Another aspect is addressing the type of parenting style we have. There are three Passive, Aggressive, and Balanced. A passive parent provides little to no discipline, is determined to fulfill their child's every want and desire making sure to give them everything that 'you' didn't have. A spoiled child is an entitled unsuccessful adult. The world we live in is unforgiving and you are entitled to NOTHING. Next is the aggressive parent which normally is the man (can still be a women), which is unfortunately missing from many households, but why proper co-parenting is still very much needed. Swallow your pride and anger and realize that it's about the child and mother's love recognizes when a father is trying to participate in raising a child, but that's another subject for another day. An aggressive parent is strict sets rules and guidelines and has high expectations but tends to give more discipline than love. The child of an aggressive parent is usually extremely successful, works hard and has drive. However they are also closet addicts, not just to drugs, but gambling, shopping, thrill seekers, etc They need a release because they spend so much time trying to be successful. The last style is a balanced parent. This of course is the best of both worlds gives enough love and discipline to create a well rounded successful member of society. I'm going to add to Dr Umar's teachings by saying many people aren't balanced parents or at least not as balanced as they'd like to think they are, myself included. Some of use are passive until are cup runneth over with issues then we want to be aggressive. Some parents are completely absent, which means they are not providing much else but a roof, a friend, and material possessions. Other parents especially single parents have admitted being aggressive due to the stress of raising children alone, you're tired, worried about income, chauffeuring children around with no help, etc So we're snapping on our kids for 'being kids'. Having two active parents increases the chances that our children will grow up under a balanced parented environment. My household for instance may not be a breeding farm but I am more of a passive parent while my fiance' is more of an aggressive parent. Together we present a united force when raising our boys therefore providing balance that would not otherwise be there if either one of us were do to this alone. As a mother, a nurturer, provider, comforter ect. It is our job to take into account our shortcomings and strong points to use those to raise our children in the best environment that we can provide. Not everyone has a 'father figure' around for their children, well lets look at our parenting styles, the products in our homes, and are relationships with our children to make sure that we are not breeding farms and our homes are not acting as incubators for the prison system. Most of us have heard the saying "Mama's baby Daddy's maybe". Yes men are stepping up and taking custody of their children, staying home now with their children while the wife works, being more active in child rearing than earlier times. However child rearing is still done majority of the time by women and now statistically speaking by women alone. So more than ever we need the love of mothers in order to abolish breeding farms. We need the love of mothers to make smart decisions when choosing fathers of their children, boyfriends, men allowed around your children, and to make better life decisions. We need the love of mother's to fight for careers, better education and training to provide for your children with or without support, that includes child support and government support. A mother's love is what keeps us on our knees praying for our children. Today I'm calling all Mother's to dig deep down and use that love to abolish the breeding farms and build homes.

Love Changes

Many of us live life with the expectation that we will find a life partner.  This is not just women, but men also dream about the opportunity of settling down.  In our dreams, we rarely consider the peaks and valleys of love.

 

I was recently digging through some old projects and came across a blog that a friend of mine wrote for a collaboration.  In this, she talked about how her husband loved her unconditionally without expectations of changing her. It was a beautiful insight to a woman knowing her worth, and marrying a man that found value in it.  Fast forward four years, this couple is now going through a divorce. I found myself smiling at the blog entry, wondering if I sent it to her could it rekindle the love they had for one another and change their circumstances. 

 

As a married woman, I know that feelings and expressions of love are not consistent throughout marriage.  The for better or worse can actually happen in the beginning and the middle for some of us.  I knew from my parents’ marriage that every day wasn’t rosy and that every anniversary wasn’t happy.  Even though you’ve chosen someone to be in your life forever, life happens.  You have children, you experience losses, you experience triumphs, and you experience self-reflection.  Either of these circumstances (and many more) can make or break a marriage.  So how do you resolve and make sure your marriage endures?  My husband and I learned from some couples who have lasting power that you have to take divorce off the table.

 

I know that in this day and age, that might sound ridiculous.  We live in a time that getting out of a bad situation has to be an option.  But let me paint a different picture for you.  When I think about how God has been a consistent love for me, I’m reminded of how real unconditional love is.  I’ve done things that I’m not proud of, and yet God loves me.  Let’s look at it from yet another perspective. As parents our kids will continuously make decisions and do things that upset us, yet you love them.  You can’t divorce them per se. We love what we’ve birthed far more than what we chose. Marriage was the first union that God created.  We have to honor that unconditionally.

 

There are tons of things that lead to divorce.  Most of which, I will not make light of.  No one should stay in a relationship where they live in fear.  No one should stay in a relationship if their partner is going to be a habitual offender to the sanctity of marriage.  But for those of you that are not married yet, go into your marriage knowing that this is your forever.  You and your partner must be on the same page in so many respects so that the world cannot come in and divide you.  This is your LIFE partner.  And when you get to that place in your marriage where you feel like you don’t want to be there any more, tug on that 3-cord rope that God resides in, and let Him have His way.  Believe me, there’s no such thing as a road to Happily Ever After, that doesn’t have a pothole, sink hole, rugged pavement or the impossible icy hill.  Turn on your all-wheel drive and hit the gas pedal and never stop moving forward.  When you say “I do”, you have to make sure that you actually “do”.

And to my husband…buckle up with that 3-cord rope honey.  I’m pressing on the gas love, and we press on.

 

Perfectly Imperfect

Relationships are perfectly imperfect. They are full of flaws, baggage, past relationships, failed dreams, lost hopes, but most of all love and faith. No two people are exactly alike and I've heard if two people agree on everything then one person is not needed. This premise alone makes co-existing with one another even that much more difficult. How do you approach the differences that make you an individual and would it be bliss if you had someone who agreed with your every thought, desire, and want? Is that truly possible or would that person only compromise who they are in efforts to make the other happy. Am I saying that conflict is good and necessary not really, but I am saying it is inevitable, advoidable, and needed in any relationship both healthy and unhealthy. Let me start by first saying pick your poison. What I mean by this is know what you will and will not except. Set reasonable expectations for you, your mate, and your relationship. With that being done, you except that there will be differences, there will be occassional selfishness, laziness, and uncleanliness but there is an exceptable level that you are willing to deal with in order to maintain a happy relationship. Sounds good right? The problem is that we get in relationships before we have determined what those expectations are. Before you know it you're either constantly bickering, complaining, or compromising because you didn't know yourself before you were attached to someone else. It's not too late. Find yourself. Know who you are, love you unconditionally and know what it takes to make you happy. Understand the needs and wants of your heart. What you can take or leave; then and only then will you know what your poison is. If you are already in a relationship, spend time alone, work on your spiritual growth, fix those flaws you keep complaining about and feel good about being who you are. This doesn't mean neglect your mate, walk away, or tell them we need a break. Contrary to what people believe you can work on yourself and continue a relationship. The reason I suggest not immediately walking away is because you may find that things are not that bad, you are generally happy and the differences you have are that of a normal couple, with differing views, upbringing, causes, etc. However you may also find that once you have found you, that you have been compromising yourself, your beliefs, wants, desires and dreams for the good of someone else, and at that time you will finally have the strength to walk away if need be....