A mother's love and the abolishment of breeding farms

What it s a breeding farm and how does it affect a mother's love? In the words of Dr Umar Johnson, during the days of slavery women were placed in a home with the biggest, strongest, most athletic male (a stud if you will) and his job was to keep the women pregnant in order to breed more slaves. Nowadays a breeding farm is what he calls many homes that are breeding individuals for the prison system. Some of our homes are not homes, they are simply houses where are children are being raised only to end up as statistics of the criminal justice system. The reasons why this is relevant to a mother's love is because in most homes the women whether they are single parents, shacking up, or married are responsible for majority of the day to day child rearing. Our love runs deep enough that we can correct the behaviors that make our houses breeding farms and change them to homes. There are a few things addressed in Dr Umar's speeches that can help you identify your household as either a breeding farm or a home. Bookshelves, let me go further by saying bookshelves with actual books, not being used solely as decorations. What is the ratio of televisions in your home to learning materials? Do you have dictionaries, thesauruses, and encyclopedias? Without these items the learning is left up to the school system alone, which is most cases are poorly educating the children and not sufficiently preparing them for society. Another aspect is addressing the type of parenting style we have. There are three Passive, Aggressive, and Balanced. A passive parent provides little to no discipline, is determined to fulfill their child's every want and desire making sure to give them everything that 'you' didn't have. A spoiled child is an entitled unsuccessful adult. The world we live in is unforgiving and you are entitled to NOTHING. Next is the aggressive parent which normally is the man (can still be a women), which is unfortunately missing from many households, but why proper co-parenting is still very much needed. Swallow your pride and anger and realize that it's about the child and mother's love recognizes when a father is trying to participate in raising a child, but that's another subject for another day. An aggressive parent is strict sets rules and guidelines and has high expectations but tends to give more discipline than love. The child of an aggressive parent is usually extremely successful, works hard and has drive. However they are also closet addicts, not just to drugs, but gambling, shopping, thrill seekers, etc They need a release because they spend so much time trying to be successful. The last style is a balanced parent. This of course is the best of both worlds gives enough love and discipline to create a well rounded successful member of society. I'm going to add to Dr Umar's teachings by saying many people aren't balanced parents or at least not as balanced as they'd like to think they are, myself included. Some of use are passive until are cup runneth over with issues then we want to be aggressive. Some parents are completely absent, which means they are not providing much else but a roof, a friend, and material possessions. Other parents especially single parents have admitted being aggressive due to the stress of raising children alone, you're tired, worried about income, chauffeuring children around with no help, etc So we're snapping on our kids for 'being kids'. Having two active parents increases the chances that our children will grow up under a balanced parented environment. My household for instance may not be a breeding farm but I am more of a passive parent while my fiance' is more of an aggressive parent. Together we present a united force when raising our boys therefore providing balance that would not otherwise be there if either one of us were do to this alone. As a mother, a nurturer, provider, comforter ect. It is our job to take into account our shortcomings and strong points to use those to raise our children in the best environment that we can provide. Not everyone has a 'father figure' around for their children, well lets look at our parenting styles, the products in our homes, and are relationships with our children to make sure that we are not breeding farms and our homes are not acting as incubators for the prison system. Most of us have heard the saying "Mama's baby Daddy's maybe". Yes men are stepping up and taking custody of their children, staying home now with their children while the wife works, being more active in child rearing than earlier times. However child rearing is still done majority of the time by women and now statistically speaking by women alone. So more than ever we need the love of mothers in order to abolish breeding farms. We need the love of mothers to make smart decisions when choosing fathers of their children, boyfriends, men allowed around your children, and to make better life decisions. We need the love of mother's to fight for careers, better education and training to provide for your children with or without support, that includes child support and government support. A mother's love is what keeps us on our knees praying for our children. Today I'm calling all Mother's to dig deep down and use that love to abolish the breeding farms and build homes.

Love Changes

Many of us live life with the expectation that we will find a life partner.  This is not just women, but men also dream about the opportunity of settling down.  In our dreams, we rarely consider the peaks and valleys of love.

 

I was recently digging through some old projects and came across a blog that a friend of mine wrote for a collaboration.  In this, she talked about how her husband loved her unconditionally without expectations of changing her. It was a beautiful insight to a woman knowing her worth, and marrying a man that found value in it.  Fast forward four years, this couple is now going through a divorce. I found myself smiling at the blog entry, wondering if I sent it to her could it rekindle the love they had for one another and change their circumstances. 

 

As a married woman, I know that feelings and expressions of love are not consistent throughout marriage.  The for better or worse can actually happen in the beginning and the middle for some of us.  I knew from my parents’ marriage that every day wasn’t rosy and that every anniversary wasn’t happy.  Even though you’ve chosen someone to be in your life forever, life happens.  You have children, you experience losses, you experience triumphs, and you experience self-reflection.  Either of these circumstances (and many more) can make or break a marriage.  So how do you resolve and make sure your marriage endures?  My husband and I learned from some couples who have lasting power that you have to take divorce off the table.

 

I know that in this day and age, that might sound ridiculous.  We live in a time that getting out of a bad situation has to be an option.  But let me paint a different picture for you.  When I think about how God has been a consistent love for me, I’m reminded of how real unconditional love is.  I’ve done things that I’m not proud of, and yet God loves me.  Let’s look at it from yet another perspective. As parents our kids will continuously make decisions and do things that upset us, yet you love them.  You can’t divorce them per se. We love what we’ve birthed far more than what we chose. Marriage was the first union that God created.  We have to honor that unconditionally.

 

There are tons of things that lead to divorce.  Most of which, I will not make light of.  No one should stay in a relationship where they live in fear.  No one should stay in a relationship if their partner is going to be a habitual offender to the sanctity of marriage.  But for those of you that are not married yet, go into your marriage knowing that this is your forever.  You and your partner must be on the same page in so many respects so that the world cannot come in and divide you.  This is your LIFE partner.  And when you get to that place in your marriage where you feel like you don’t want to be there any more, tug on that 3-cord rope that God resides in, and let Him have His way.  Believe me, there’s no such thing as a road to Happily Ever After, that doesn’t have a pothole, sink hole, rugged pavement or the impossible icy hill.  Turn on your all-wheel drive and hit the gas pedal and never stop moving forward.  When you say “I do”, you have to make sure that you actually “do”.

And to my husband…buckle up with that 3-cord rope honey.  I’m pressing on the gas love, and we press on.

 

Perfectly Imperfect

Relationships are perfectly imperfect. They are full of flaws, baggage, past relationships, failed dreams, lost hopes, but most of all love and faith. No two people are exactly alike and I've heard if two people agree on everything then one person is not needed. This premise alone makes co-existing with one another even that much more difficult. How do you approach the differences that make you an individual and would it be bliss if you had someone who agreed with your every thought, desire, and want? Is that truly possible or would that person only compromise who they are in efforts to make the other happy. Am I saying that conflict is good and necessary not really, but I am saying it is inevitable, advoidable, and needed in any relationship both healthy and unhealthy. Let me start by first saying pick your poison. What I mean by this is know what you will and will not except. Set reasonable expectations for you, your mate, and your relationship. With that being done, you except that there will be differences, there will be occassional selfishness, laziness, and uncleanliness but there is an exceptable level that you are willing to deal with in order to maintain a happy relationship. Sounds good right? The problem is that we get in relationships before we have determined what those expectations are. Before you know it you're either constantly bickering, complaining, or compromising because you didn't know yourself before you were attached to someone else. It's not too late. Find yourself. Know who you are, love you unconditionally and know what it takes to make you happy. Understand the needs and wants of your heart. What you can take or leave; then and only then will you know what your poison is. If you are already in a relationship, spend time alone, work on your spiritual growth, fix those flaws you keep complaining about and feel good about being who you are. This doesn't mean neglect your mate, walk away, or tell them we need a break. Contrary to what people believe you can work on yourself and continue a relationship. The reason I suggest not immediately walking away is because you may find that things are not that bad, you are generally happy and the differences you have are that of a normal couple, with differing views, upbringing, causes, etc. However you may also find that once you have found you, that you have been compromising yourself, your beliefs, wants, desires and dreams for the good of someone else, and at that time you will finally have the strength to walk away if need be....

He doesn't love you if...

About a month ago my fiancé' and I had an embarrassing argument in front of others. What makes it embarrassing is that most people want to keep certain parts of their relationship private, or at least be given the opportunity to share and confide in those they trust with their deepest secrets. Now an argument is not necessarily a deep dark secret all couples have them and if you don't someone is lying to themselves or to their significant other. The content of the argument was not even bad it was very trivial and not the least bit earthshattering. As a matter of fact it should not have even been an argument. So what made this argument so embarrassing or humiliating? Watching an argument between myself and my fiancé is like watching a lion attack a deer. That's what happens when you put an overly aggressive person with a passive aggressive student of psychology. Let me explain, Our relationship was built on friendship and 'couch time' before taking the plunge into relationship and now approaching marriage. Ten years and two kids later I have learned how to fight with my husband to be. Because he doesn't fight fair. He has learned that he cannot beat me in a verbal argument so in order to win he feels his size and hurtful words are necessary. I on the other hand have learned that if you allow him to speak rather I agree or not the disagreement is over much faster and we can move forward to being the happy couple that we typically are. Keep in mind that I am passive aggressive and if I do not agree with his point when the argument ends, even if I stood there like a small meek woman I am going to do what I want or feel is best anyway, and heaven forbid he has a point I will make sure that I do whatever I have to so he can never prove that point again. Now as a couple we have discussed this and it is not the way to handle conflict. He shouldn't use intimidation and I shouldn't spend my free time following an argument finding ways to '1 up him'. You do not fight dirty in an argument, contrary to the 'rhyme' we all learned as kids, words do hurt and they leave lasting effects. This brings me to the title. Since this incident took place in front of others it was an even bigger deal than had it taken place alone at home. And someone said something to me that I can't get out of my head, not because I believe it or that I need to rethink my relationship but because I felt foolish. "He doesn't love you if he would talk to you like that"...How many times have we heard something like that regarding our relationship? If he loves you he wouldn't cheat on you. If he loves you he would get off his a** and get a job. If she loves you she would cook and clean. As individuals we all love differently. For the cheating husband who loves his devoted wife but can't seem to keep it in his pants. We honestly can't say for certainty that he doesn't love his wife, however we do know that he's too selfish to do the right thing. For the spouse struggling with addiction who loves his/her family you can't say he/she doesn't love their family enough to kick the habit, it's much deeper than that. To the lazy new age man who can't get motivated enough to get a job it has nothing to do with love. Now don't use this as a means to stay in a useless, destructive, abusive relationship but know the difference when you have something good that's worth fighting for. All relationships will fall short but be open and honest with each other, be open to change and criticism and fight fair when disagreements occur. Remember we have a tendency to share more bad news than good news with our loved ones so weigh advice carefully. People come to me for advice because I'm a good listener not because I give such awesome feedback, but because I'm able to help people point out what they really want, if its attainable, and are they willing to walk away if it's not. And yes I can say He loves me unconditionally with all his heart and I him, but we are not perfect. Through prayer and hard work we will be one.

The Suburb Killed the Village

There are many kinds of love that make our world thrive. While we all fall short of the perfect love in our relationships, there’s another kind of love that we seem to always lose sight. This loss is killing us. I’m talking about loving thy neighbor. There was a time where our homes weren’t just structures. Home use to be the entire neighborhood. You shopped there, played there, slept there, and some even were educated in their neighborhoods. Your neighbors were like family. Your best friend’s mom, was very much like your own. Discipline was the responsibility of every adult. Every child respected every adult. Adults shared wisdom, knowledge and talents with children. For the black community, this was the nucleus, this was the Village. Somewhere in the aspiration to improve our lives with more education, better jobs and better homes, we lost sight of the importance of the Village. We started seeking better floor plans and cul de sac living. We sought suburban living. What was once the pride of culture and family, fell victim to developers, builders and greed. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying such aspirations are not beneficial. But in seeking things that only benefit self, we killed what was once a necessity to our survival. Let’s put it in perspective. Once homeowners left the village many houses fall victim to vacancy or rental. Every person that rents is not bad for the neighborhood, but in our society once a house becomes a rental it loses value, subsequently so do the neighboring houses. The houses become harder to sell. The leads to foreclosures and short sales. Houses are bought by investors who fail to care for them properly. These blemishes become permanent in instances. Our schools also suffer. When people leave the village with children, they take away a student that helps secure funding. In seeking out what they thought was a better school system, they indirectly began to contribute to the deterioration of another. Loss of funding equals loss of classes such art and music, or sports teams. Even more funding is loss that contributes to books, building repairs, and food programs. The children left in these schools suffer the biggest loss. They are unable to participate in programs that would help them thrive in higher education and eventually adulthood. The direct or indirect result are our youth falling victim to crimes, and in some cases becoming the criminal themselves. Today when we see a child doing wrong we look the other way out of fear, lack of empathy or even more sadly, we don’t care. We’d rather say that it’s none of our business, or that’s not my fight. Those who truly don’t want to be a part of the village, move to neighborhoods where if you’re considered neighborly if you say “hi” and “bye.” Instead of kids playing on any given evening or summer day, they have scheduled play dates. People prefer to be told what color to paint their houses and where to park their cars. People now choose to live where they are restricted by covenants and associations believing that they somehow have more freedom and a better lifestyle. Instead of loving thy neighbor, we are loving only ourselves. We live for financial outcomes and progress, but not for humanities progression. Yet more than ever people are crying out for the violence to stop, to end division amongst our cultures, and for love to prevail. Yet you shout these things from your computer screens and smartphones. Much like myself as I sit on my laptop in a subdivision on a cul de sac. Isn’t this progress? Yeah I know…RIP to the Village

Second Best

Why are married, taken, involved, etc men off limits. The answer seems easy doesn't it...Uhmm they're off limits because they're not single. But in this world we live in, doesn't seem that simple. Many 'off the market' men are partaking in extracurricular activities. I'm only speaking about men right now because I have a point to make. I'm not referring to the men who've mislead women. The one's who've led an unsuspecting woman to believe that he was single. I'm referring to the women who date men knowing that they are not his 'main' chick, not his wife, his girlfriend, fiancé' etc. There are a number of issues with these types of relationships, the first being self respect. There is no justification that you can convince me that it is okay to know that a man is laying with another woman, kissing, holding, cuddling, and telling her he loves her, while you wait for 'your turn'. Grasping to the times you sneak away. Spending holidays alone, with stolen moments when he's supposed to be else where. As women it is natural for us to want to be loved, caressed, wined and dined, and no I don't want to wait my turn. I'm not bashing women, but you have to ask yourself this question if women weren't willing to settle for the 'other' status then men would know it wasn't an option. This is not to pass judgement, it's to tell fellow females that we deserve that home he's provided for his wife. We deserve to cook dinner for our man and know that at the end of the night he's not telling someone else good night honey. We deserve to expect that we are his one and only. As the beautiful creatures that we are we hold the power. Yes we hold the power between our legs, but we hold it in our soul, in our curves, in our smile, between our ears. We hold to power to demand the love and respect we all deserve. I want to be seen in public, I want to share pictures on social media, I want to be a wife and mother, but you can't be that, you don't get that when he's already giving it to someone else. Ok, so you have a situation where he's unhappy, he's planning on leaving his wife, dumping his baby mama, or moving out from his girlfriends house; then make him wait. If he's interested then we he has separated himself and closed one door than he's free to give his all when he opens that door with you. If you don't think your self worth is enough then remember this. One day you'll meet your prince charming, he'll sweep you off of your feet and fulfill all your dreams, but he'll have someone on the side because now it's your turn...

He Gave Me Permission to Cheat

No he didn’t give me a “hall pass” for the weekend.  He also never verbally gave me permission, but the signals were there.  There was no other way to see it.

We’d been married for just two years.  The journey of a newly wed can be tough and confusing. When people say communication is key to a successful marriage, they mean it.  Without clear consistent communication, things can be left up to interpretation.  This was my interpretation of my husbands actions towards me and our marriage.

My husband is loyal to a cause.  If you ask him to support an event or community effort, he will willingly over commit himself. The only person he consistently tells no, is me.  Because of this, I’ve spent several evenings and weekends.  Eventually, loneliness started to set-in.

There were times, I found myself crying because my pleas for my husband to stay home or be available fell on deaf ears.  Instead of sacrificing his activity to dedicate his time to his family, he would try to find people and activities to push us (his child too) toward. After running through my head the number of evenings I spent alone, I was fed up.  Let me be clear, my husband wasn’t always doing community work, he also had a very active social life that he would not put on the back burner.  I even recall a birthday that I spent alone, but he made an effort to make to his friend’s birthday celebrations.  His reasoning, was he wanted to celebrate their lives.  What about celebrating mine?  What about your wife, and mother of your children?

To no avail, I could not change this in my husband. Even though I pleaded with him, and he said he understood, he made no efforts to change.  So where did that leave me?  Lonely, frustrated and free time on my hand.  I had free evenings and weekends with plenty of alone time to fill a void in my life.  When there is darkness over your marriage, intimacy with your mate becomes a struggle.  My role as a wife had become diminished.  Because of this, I no longer felt obligated to fulfill my duties as a wife.  No I didn’t let the house or myself go.  I cherished myself, if no one else would. I no longer desired that private space with my husband.  He became my roommate, and not my help mate/meet.  Kisses and sex began to fill forced. 

I yearned for fulfillment, and yearned to have someone reciprocate my feelings.  I wanted to be desired, not just sexually, but emotionally.  I yearned to be needed, and for my company to be wanted.  There’s always someone out there to fulfill this. It’s not hard to find, but it is hard to resist.  Even harder to resist when your husband is encouraging you to meet new people and get out of the house more.  Recklessly driving you to the very thing he’s yet to become in your life. His actions, and his lack of commitment to the “family” cause, told me to cheat.  I have his permission.

You may not agree with me, but this happens every day in marriages. There is always a need that is going unfulfilled that push people to seek shelter outside of their marriage.  There is always a clueless spouse who doesn’t reflect long enough on their actions to see how it may affect their spouse. Unfortunately, things will likely go completely wrong before someone steps forward to try to make it completely right.  Sometimes people will never try.  Both parties are likely to be guilty of some sort of neglect or action that pushes their spouse away and towards someone else.  However, it takes a strong person to not let anything or anyone come between your commitment and vow to your spouse.

Even with “permission” from my husband to cheat, I have not cheated.  I actually live for the hope of my family and my marriage. However, I do want my husband to see the error of his ways.  So I will leave him with this thought and scenario to see how that makes him feel. I will be sure to let you know how that works.

 
To Be Continued…